@ozzyunc

I poltergeist people. It’s like ghosting but I still bother them occasionally.

@ozzyunc

Charmin Bears are Care Bears too. They care about shit.

@ozzyunc

I’m at the age where I get leg bruises if I’m in the same house as furniture & walls.

@ozzyunc

At the store rearranging Ben & Jerry’s pints to spell out terrible fetishes.

@ozzyunc

The first four months of Christmas are the hardest.

@ozzyunc

It’s so cute when the person in my trunk thinks anyone understands Morse code.

@ozzyunc

Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.

@ozzyunc

Talking to people in the same room shows weakness. Shout at them from across the house.

@ozzyunc

No matter how much you love a Canadian can you ever really know if they’re not just three geese in a people costume?

@ozzyunc

“Pics or it didn’t happen” doesn’t apply to your kids’ first day of school. I believe you.