@ozzyunc

If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.

@ozzyunc

If I were a Care Bear by tummy symbol would be the Captain Picard facepalm.

@ozzyunc

If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?

@ozzyunc

Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@ozzyunc

“I hope your face ends up on a milk carton,” requires too much backstory to be an insult now.

@ozzyunc

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@ozzyunc

A dog once travelled 150 miles to attack the man who abandoned him at a gas station. I think I found my spirit animal.

@ozzyunc

Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind