@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

@ozzyunc

The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.

@ozzyunc

You’re using so many filters I had to make coffee with a folded paper towel.

@ozzyunc

I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.

@ozzyunc

Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.

@ozzyunc

It’s a beautiful day to go to the park & watch an owl carry off a Pomeranian.

@ozzyunc

You’re a star. Unfortunately it’s Patrick from SpongeBob.

@ozzyunc

Zombie movies are fun because you get to see dead bodies find joggers for once.

@ozzyunc

Today is the anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster: the biggest explosion of hot air before the Internet.

@ozzyunc

Coyote: Top Speed 43 mph
Roadrunner: Top Speed 26 mph

My childhood was a lie.