@ozzyunc

When I was young my mom told me “Husky” meant “Extra Soft” so I wouldn’t feel bad at Sears.

@ozzyunc

Any song about love can also be about eating spicy food.

@ozzyunc

The only thing keeping me from being murdered by a hired assassin is my cat’s ignorance of currency.

@ozzyunc

I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.

@ozzyunc

Keep circulating the petition! We demand Mambo No. 6!

@ozzyunc

My neighbor’s polishing his car like a genie’s gonna pop out of it & grant him something that’s not a Camry.

@ozzyunc

I was always a sucker for a pair of blue eyes and she had a whole jar.

@ozzyunc

[Showers after two weeks of camping.]

Ok. Weigh me now.

@ozzyunc

You remember that guy who was in that movie? Help me out here.

@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.