I poltergeist people. It’s like ghosting but I still bother them occasionally.
Charmin Bears are Care Bears too. They care about shit.
I’m at the age where I get leg bruises if I’m in the same house as furniture & walls.
At the store rearranging Ben & Jerry’s pints to spell out terrible fetishes.
The first four months of Christmas are the hardest.
It’s so cute when the person in my trunk thinks anyone understands Morse code.
Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.
Talking to people in the same room shows weakness. Shout at them from across the house.
No matter how much you love a Canadian can you ever really know if they’re not just three geese in a people costume?
“Pics or it didn’t happen” doesn’t apply to your kids’ first day of school. I believe you.