@ozzyunc: "As a creative person I'm often asked where I get my ideas." Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don't.

@ozzyunc: Your cat doesn't love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

@ozzyunc: A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.

@ozzyunc: Society's a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

@ozzyunc: You could've told me that wasn't your real name before I got the tattoo.

@ozzyunc: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@ozzyunc: Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.

@ozzyunc: "I want to get drunk in public."
"Me too but on pancake batter."
"If only there was a way to solve both problems."
-The Origin of Eggnog

@ozzyunc: Decaf only works if you throw it on people.