@ozzyunc
When I was young my mom told me “Husky” meant “Extra Soft” so I wouldn’t feel bad at Sears.
@ozzyunc
@ozzyunc
Any song about love can also be about eating spicy food.
@ozzyunc
The only thing keeping me from being murdered by a hired assassin is my cat’s ignorance of currency.
@ozzyunc
I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.
@ozzyunc
Keep circulating the petition! We demand Mambo No. 6!
@ozzyunc
My neighbor’s polishing his car like a genie’s gonna pop out of it & grant him something that’s not a Camry.
@ozzyunc
I was always a sucker for a pair of blue eyes and she had a whole jar.
@ozzyunc
[Showers after two weeks of camping.]
Ok. Weigh me now.
@ozzyunc
You remember that guy who was in that movie? Help me out here.
@ozzyunc
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.