@ozzyunc
I poltergeist people. It’s like ghosting but I still bother them occasionally.
@ozzyunc
@ozzyunc
Charmin Bears are Care Bears too. They care about shit.
@ozzyunc
I’m at the age where I get leg bruises if I’m in the same house as furniture & walls.
@ozzyunc
At the store rearranging Ben & Jerry’s pints to spell out terrible fetishes.
@ozzyunc
The first four months of Christmas are the hardest.
@ozzyunc
It’s so cute when the person in my trunk thinks anyone understands Morse code.
@ozzyunc
Zeus was the Greek god of kings & storms. His cousin Kazeus was the god of unpopular wind instruments.
@ozzyunc
Talking to people in the same room shows weakness. Shout at them from across the house.
@ozzyunc
No matter how much you love a Canadian can you ever really know if they’re not just three geese in a people costume?
@ozzyunc
“Pics or it didn’t happen” doesn’t apply to your kids’ first day of school. I believe you.