The worst part of cooking is explaining everything to the invisible camera crew.
Friends are like French fries: they don’t microwave well.
My business card just says “Sorry I spilled coffee on your baby.”
Accidentally bought trashbags without drawstrings. Have to sneak the trash out at night so my neighbors don’t think I’m poor.
“I bet Wolverine didn’t read comics in his 30s.”
“Wolverine’s 30s were before WWI. Comics didn’t…”
“Your mom & I want you out by Friday.”
I live where people think Chipotle rhymes with “bottle.” Don’t tell me your problems.
If mushrooms cure depression why are Smurfs still blue?
Writing a movie about a secret agent alcoholic shrimp. I call it Beers Prawnson.
Camping: Why Get Murdered at Home?
I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.