@ozzyunc

The worst part of cooking is explaining everything to the invisible camera crew.

@ozzyunc

Friends are like French fries: they don’t microwave well.

@ozzyunc

My business card just says “Sorry I spilled coffee on your baby.”

@ozzyunc

Accidentally bought trashbags without drawstrings. Have to sneak the trash out at night so my neighbors don’t think I’m poor.

@ozzyunc

“I bet Wolverine didn’t read comics in his 30s.”
“Wolverine’s 30s were before WWI. Comics didn’t…”
“Your mom & I want you out by Friday.”

@ozzyunc

I live where people think Chipotle rhymes with “bottle.” Don’t tell me your problems.

@ozzyunc

If mushrooms cure depression why are Smurfs still blue?

@ozzyunc

Writing a movie about a secret agent alcoholic shrimp. I call it Beers Prawnson.

@ozzyunc

I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.