@ozzyunc

I’m sure you’re cool but you make me nervous. Like a seafood restaurant in a landlocked state.

@ozzyunc

Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.

@ozzyunc

You guys, we have to clean this up before Jesus gets back.

@ozzyunc

Sticks & stones may break my bones,
but words bought my therapist a boat.

@ozzyunc

Accidentally confessed my undying love to the wrong account. I’m gonna go with it. They seem nice.

@ozzyunc

10: Lord of the Rings is awesome!
20: Why didn’t they take the Eagles the whole way?
30: They should’ve just lost the damn Ring down the sink.

@ozzyunc

“Don’t You (Forget About Me)” is starting to sound like a threat.

@ozzyunc

For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.

@ozzyunc

I went jogging this morning & found $5 in an old jacket. Shame the body was frozen.