I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good