Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Banana is the quietest snack
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.