so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.