USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste