USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.