USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite