USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Always
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.