USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
#Caturday
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…