USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.