[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Bill is short for Billiam
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.