Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.