Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
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BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.