growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.