My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
my fav colour is also hitler
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
More like Kate Missington.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good