I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Two types of dogs.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?