The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
#inspiration #foodforthought
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
#Caturday
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today