Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Does beer think about me too?