I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Quadruple digit IQ
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.