@panmidwest

haunted cereals

-unlucky charms
-honey tomb
-golden graves
-cookie crypt
-honey bunches of moats
-cheerighouls
-cinnamon ghost crunch

@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@panmidwest

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

@panmidwest

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@panmidwest

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@panmidwest

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that