@panmidwest: [my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i... just... told you?

@panmidwest: ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

@panmidwest: [Mcdonald's]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

@panmidwest: [date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@panmidwest: me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@panmidwest: me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@panmidwest: teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@panmidwest: wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@panmidwest: i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it