Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat