Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches