@pant_leg

the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason

@pant_leg

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

@pant_leg

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

@pant_leg

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

@pant_leg

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@pant_leg

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

@pant_leg

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

@pant_leg

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?