Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Mornin
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out