“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
THIS HEADLINE
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!