I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”