@papasuncle: Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
"Congrats" on your baby.
Congrats on "your" baby.
Congrats on your "baby".
@papasuncle: Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
@papasuncle: Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
@papasuncle: [tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho... don't.
@papasuncle: coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn't agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
@papasuncle: Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you're a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
@papasuncle: Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi's best movie was Sister Act.