“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.