What the hell happened in there??
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Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of