@paperphotoyo

Him: Hey
*types*
*deletes*
*types*
*deletes*
*Googles a cute reply*
*looks at Wikipedia*
*reads up on crime scenes*
*forgets to write back*

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@paperphotoyo

When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.

@paperphotoyo

Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.

@paperphotoyo

[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Him:
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.