Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Okay, I’m still confused…
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Thoughts
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.