Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
New menu item
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.