Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
so this horse walks into a bar
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”