Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.