Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Uh oh…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Godspeed, John Glenn
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.