monday
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.