“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
😍😂🥰😂😍
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?