The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join