MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
need a new bf mines broken 😐
my name if I was in the mob
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
🙅🏻
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello