me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!


me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????


[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]

I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus


gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions

me: *gets down on one knee*

gf: omg

me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa


[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


[some dude doesn’t like me]

who gives a shit

[a cat doesn’t like me]



me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish


me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r