me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god
apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-
me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????
[5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]
I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus
gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions
me: *gets down on one knee*
me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa
[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks
me: i feel anxious
body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down
me: i feel much worse
body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now
[some dude doesn’t like me]
who gives a shit
[a cat doesn’t like me]
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r