Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
That’s it.I’m out.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no