Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away