@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@patnelke

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.