Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point