Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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oh my gosh!!
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work