Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of pauleggleston's best tweets

@pauleggleston : -Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don't believe you.
-Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret.

@pauleggleston: 'What do we want?', 'A really fast car to drive past!', 'When do we want it?', 'Nnneyowwwww'

@pauleggleston: -Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You've not heard of bees? They're flying things with stings.
-I know, but it's swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it's boiling! But I'm not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@pauleggleston: I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'

@pauleggleston: Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

@pauleggleston: Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK... *flashes cardigan*

@pauleggleston: -Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's a prank, I don't know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don't you start.

@pauleggleston: 'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?'
'Eggshell'
'Eggshell??'
'Yesh'
'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'

@pauleggleston: -I've got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

@pauleggleston: I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming.