@pauleggleston

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

@pauleggleston

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@pauleggleston

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

@pauleggleston

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

@pauleggleston

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

@pauleggleston

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@pauleggleston

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’

@pauleggleston

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.