My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
This squirrel eats better than I do
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend