Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants
Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger
Me: Is that not what you meant?
Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.
A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..
Long story short, picking her up at 7.
I cashed in my swear jar today…
The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he’d never done a transaction in change before.
If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.
He died doing what he loved most…
Correcting my grammar.
I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…
“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”