Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Krampus.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.