Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
haha same
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*