This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.