I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Inside you there are two wolves
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.