Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@peeznuts : *standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.
-Shouldn't it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*
@peeznuts: *pretending to talk on my phone so I don't look like a loser standing by myself*
-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*
@peeznuts: Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.
Bus full of children: They'll be fine just throw em in there.
@peeznuts: Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?
-No, go fish.
@peeznuts: -Give it to me straight doc.
-You'll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.