My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You Might Also Like
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
cats when you pet them too long:
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Heroic Misunderstanding
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Bike for sale
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.